The Fig Tree and Me

Warning: I go into English teacher mode for a portion of this post. 

I am a sucker for quotes. I love reading snippets of other people’s thoughts. I don’t know when this interest manifested, but I can remember being in middle school reading books from the library that were just compilations of quotes, sometimes set to various themes like success or inspiration. (As all normal adolescents do) I own a book of famous last words. I have an app that delivers a quote to me each day.  I get annoyed when people misquote or misattribute a quote. You get it.

I’m not entirely sure what I find so alluring about quotes. There is something comforting about finding a quote that fits your exact need or feeling. As someone who holds an English degree, obviously I have a love for language.

Like people get songs stuck in their head, I get words stuck in mine. They roll around and whisper to me, staying as long as they want. The words can be phrases, stanzas, quotes, anything.

The words currently rolling around in my head were authored by Sylvia Plath. I always hesitate to tell people that I like Plath, even if they don’t know I have depression, because I assume they will judge me and think I’m one of those. (Why it matters to me…?) But I do love Plath. Her words are beautiful. The ones in my head are from The Bell Jar, the famous section about the fig tree. It was fantastically referenced in Aziz Ansari’s Master of None (which you should be watching) here:

I’m also including an illustration of the passage from Zen Pencils at the end of this post.

I’ve been experiencing a dilemma. I recently graduated college, and I am facing so many personal and professional options that I feel overwhelmed.

A year ago, I knew exactly what I was doing with my life. I would have picked a fig, no problem. Today, I find myself practically petrified with uncertainty. I am so fortunate to have the options that I do and the ability to choose. But I never thought it would be this hard. Hence, the words are rolling around in my head.

I remember reading this passage about the fig tree for the first time in high school. I knew Plath was a dark, depressing author. I read the piece, and it confirmed my theory. Yep, depressing. That sucks for her.

The great thing about literature is going back and re-reading something at an older age and finding new insight. I empathize with Plath now!

Another great thing about literature is what it teaches us about life. Obviously, picking any of the figs on the tree would have been better than not deciding to the point of getting zero figs. (Hangry alert).

The fig tree also reminds me of the often MONUMENTALLY misinterpreted poem “The Road Not Taken.”

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

He’s not talking about being an ~*Individual*~. He’s saying that there were two paths, and, instead of just staying at the fork in the road and not deciding, he chose a path. The fact that he chose a path “made all the difference.” Otherwise, he would be stuck there forever.

We want to know which road or fig is the best, but we can’t. I used to think that was just the universe saying, “Look, you have iPhones. You can’t have omniscience too.”

But I think the real reason we never know is because there isn’t an ultimate number one option. There are many routes to happiness or success.

Part of me finds this terrifying. I want direct instructions, and not those stupid IKEA-style ones. I want a descriptive, illustrated, step-by-step manual.

The other part of me finds relief in this Any Path Works plan. Isn’t it better to live in a world of possibility? Isn’t it better to have a multiple choice question in which each answer is correct? This would drive my non-literature loving students insane. They like having one correct answer.

There are multiple right answers. There are multiple paths and figs and jobs and relationships and pizzas. Whatever you’re into!

Now, how to go about choosing… I’m still working on that. However, I find it reassuring to know that it’s not so binary as making either a good or bad choice. There are many figs on the tree, all fat and purple, a wonderful future beckoning and winking.2013-09-12-plath.jpg



Being Allowed

I have lived with anxiety and depression for most of my life. I’ve done the therapy and medicine, and it works well for me. I feel like I am in a place where I am happy.

I do have days when I feel out of control. I feel overwhelmingly angry, anxious, depressed, and a plethora of other emotions. When I feel those emotions, I panic. Oh my god. I’m doing something wrong. I’m going to slip into my depression. I need to intervene. I should google what to do!

It can get worse around this time of year. I think with a bunch of routine changes and less sunlight, I go from hanging comfortably in the kiddie pool to struggling to tread water. I had a few weeks off with little routine. My boyfriend was away for most of it. I had gone from working 7-3 every day and loving my job student teaching to just… nothing. Sixty to zero.

It messed me up.

Even though my boyfriend was, thankfully, able to come home for holiday vacation with his new job, I could still feel myself in a funk. I was better with him around and when I was around people, but I could also feel myself getting overwhelmed.

Just a few days ago, I was working to coordinate a dinner reservation and going in on a gift for my dad’s birthday while dealing with not having a debit card (long story) and trying to get to the pharmacy on time.

I was stressed.

I got home to vent to my boyfriend about everything. I told him how I felt anxious, angry, stressed, annoyed, and everything else. I started to cry a little.

He said, “It’s ok. You’re allowed to feel that way.”

Without knowing it, he totally blew my mind. It was so common sense. Duh, I’m allowed to feel emotions! Of course I am!

The problem was that I was not giving myself that permission. I hadn’t been for a while. I had polarized my emotions into either good or bad instead of just what they are: emotions.

At my very worst with depression, I felt just numb. I didn’t feel anything. It was awful. I would also feel so depressed that I only felt defeat and sadness. It would feel, like I mentioned, like treading water. I was afraid that, if I stopped running from those emotions, I would drown in them.

I demanded nothing less than exuberant joy from myself at all times. If this goal was not achieved, I thought I was failing. I needed to talk to my therapist. Maybe I needed to check into my medication.

I haven’t been giving myself a chance to LIVE and FEEL human emotions. Sure, being sad or angry sucks. But it’s normal. It would not be normal if I just completely lacked those emotions. If I reacted to stressful situations with that exuberant joy, that would ACTUALLY be something to worry about (and worth looking into my medication).

Until my boyfriend went all Yoda on me, I had not realized how hard I was being on myself. He was obviously paying attention when we watched Inside Out. All emotions play a part in who we are.

They’re not good or bad. They just are. And they’re allowed to be.


10 Internet Things that Made Me Smile Today

Hello Fellow Member of the Internet! (I stole that from this lady)

As you are probably aware, the world wide web is a great and terrible place. In my experience, it can mostly be terrible.

Obviously, in theory, the internet sounds fantastic. You can easily obtain knowledge about almost anything! You can connect with people around the world! You can do anythiiiinnnnggggg! Remember back in the 90s, even when we had lame dial-up internet, we were all like:


What we didn’t expect was the whole yin and yang aspect. For every awesome thing, there is a horrible thing. If I may be cynical for a moment, there is LITERALLY NOTHING on the internet that is free from evil.

The most evil thing being, of course, the comment section.

You could post an article on about how babies are the cutest and best thing on the planet, and someone will comment: “Screw babies. Adults rule.”


Because people suck. That is one of the internet’s rules. Also, it doesn’t have to make sense or be of substance.

Take, for instance, FLOTUS’ recent commencement speech at Tuskegee:

Empowering and awesome, right?

Again, people suck. Conservatives came out against her speech as complaining about white people and being “whiny” (OMG white people, you are so embarrassing, btw). People also skewered her for complaining about racism. (P.S. If you’re going to complain about something, please let it be inequality.)

Like, this is what I mean. Even this amazing, inspirational, intelligent, eloquent woman cannot escape the suckage of dumb people on the internet. (I’m not even going to post links to the FLOTUS criticism because they do not deserve the attention.)


Even though I love the internet, most days I hate it more than I love it. I use this GIF to explain my feelings in relation to online nonsense at least several times a week:


But I keep coming back. Why? Because, despite its flaws including ignorance and grammatical error, it also allows me to see the beautiful things.

So, fellow member of the internet, allow me to soothe your sorry soul.

10 Internet Things that Made Me Smile Today

  1. Basically everything from Humans of New York. Visit their Facebook page!
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  2. This story about a Qdoba worker in Louisville, KY helping a disabled customer eat.
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  3. Taylor Swift’s sweet message to a fan who lost her mother.
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  4. 1920s female scientist, Inge Lehmann, was today’s Google doodle. Read about it here.
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  5. It’s palindrome week!  (Not exclusively on the internet, but that’s how I found out about it so I’m counting it)
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  6. By 2045, Hawaii will be on 100% renewable energy!
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  7. Lil Bub and Norbert are writing a book!
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  8. Anna Kendrick becomes the first lady to ever play Jimmy Fallon’s Egg Russian Roulette
  9. CBS’s Supergirl preview: Super awesome. I’m super excited.
  10. Samantha Bee, formerly of The Daily Show, is getting a show on TBS, and this preview, as Mashable wrote, “eviscerates the sausage fest of late night TV”

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I hope you feel better, weary internet traveller. Now back to social media with you!

Dear Mom,

Mother’s Day was created on May 10, 1908 by the amazing Anna Jarvis when she sent 500 carnations to her mother’s church.


Anna Jarvis

Six years later, Jarvis got President Wilson to issue a proclamation that the second Sunday in May would be Mother’s Day. Jarvis thought her mom was awesome and figured that was the case for most moms so they deserved at least one recognized day a year. “Annoyed that most American holidays were dedicated to honoring male achievements, Jarvis started a letter-writing campaign to make it a national holiday, involving wearing a white carnation, visiting your mother and maybe going to church.”

However, Jarvis was pissed to find out how commercialized the holiday became. She spent the rest of her life and money campaigning against the messed up version of the holiday.

“Commercialization of Mother’s Day is growing every year,” says she. “Since the movement has spread to all parts of the world, many things have tried to attach themselves because of its success.”

“The red carnation has no connection with Mother’s Day. Yet florists have spread the idea that it should be worn for mother who has passed away. This has boosted the sale of red carnations.”

“Confectioners put a white ribbon on a box of candy and advance the price just because it’s Mother’s Day,” she charges. “There is no connection between candy and this day. It is pure commercialization.”

“The sending of a wire is not sufficient. Write a letter to your mother. No person is too busy to do this. Any mother would rather have a line of the worst scribble from her son or daughter than any fancy greeting card or telegram.”

(Source, Source)

How awesome is Anna Jarvis? Homegirl could have just sat back and made bank off of celebrating moms, but she wasn’t in the game to make money, dammit!

So to honor the TRUE intent of Mother’s Day, here is a letter to my mom:

dear mom

Dear Mom,

We do not always get along. In fact, I would say that most of the time we drive each other insane. We know exactly what to say to push each other’s buttons. Our eyes are permanently in danger of getting stuck in the eye roll position. We’re both stubborn. We both swear like sailors. We are both always right. We both hang up on each other when the other person is being unreasonable. We’re too much alike.

I’m not sure when it happened, but after years of growing up vowing I would NEVER be like you, I became you. I think the harder I resisted, the more it happened. Like I said, we’re both stubborn.


We have argued about everything for as long as I can remember. There were days when I hated you as a kid. (There are diary entries to prove it.) You wouldn’t let me get away with anything. It was awful.

You wouldn’t let me off the hook for putting my laundry away. You wouldn’t let me go play with my friends until my room was clean (omg, mom, it’s not like anyone even sees my room!) You kept me on a strict curfew. You never let me just wander the neighborhood all hours of the day, like my other friends’ moms let them do. You never let me talk back. You always made me use my manners. Heaven help me if I forgot to say “please” or “thank you.” You wouldn’t let me terrorize or hit my younger brother. (Let’s face it, he needed it every once in a while.)

As much as I loved to gossip about people at school saying they were mean or smelled, you would have none of that. “Maybe they have a bad home life,” you would say. “Maybe he smells because he doesn’t have a place to shower.” You made it so hard to blindly hate or make fun of someone. “It’s always easier to give someone the finger than a helping hand,” you told me. I didn’t want to hear that. I just wanted to hear you say, “Ugh, what a jerk! You’re right.”


You always do that. It annoyed me so much. Remember the time you gave a homeless man a ride to the bus station and gave him the money WE (my brother and I) were supposed to get ICE CREAM with? You made me so angry. It was soooo embarrassing to go to a big city with you because you would literally stop and help every person asking for money or passed out on the sidewalk. I wanted you to mind your own business. We had tourist sites to see! Every Christmas you would make me go toy shopping FOR OTHER CHILDREN just because they may not get enough for Christmas.


You have been frustrating, irritating, and constantly in my business since the day I was born.

Thank you for that.

You taught me responsibility and respect. I hear kids in the mall cussing their moms out, and I get scared even being around it because I know what you would do. Thanks for making sure I wouldn’t grow up to be an ungrateful brat. Thank you for making me appreciate everything I have.

Thank you for giving me a curfew and not letting me just do whatever I wanted as a kid. Because I see people I grew up with who have completely messed up their lives. I thought you were mean for keeping me on a tight leash, but now, when I speak to people my age, they talk about how their parents never cared where they were and what they were doing. I’m glad you cared.

You NEVER missed a single school function from the time I was a toddler to now. You made my lunch every day because I was a vegetarian and didn’t want whatever the school was serving. (It was either PB&J or some mysterious meat. No thanks.)  Now that I’m an adult, I don’t even like to make my own lunches so I realize what a pain that was.

Thank you for making me compassionate, for not just saying to do the right thing, but actually doing it, showing me. You were right. It is easier to write people off, to think of them in a certain way, but it isn’t right. It isn’t how I want to be treated. I remember reading the quote,  “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” I thought, wow, my mom taught me that. As I work to become a teacher, I realize how important it is to not take people at face value and to realize there is usually more to their story.

Thank you for making me think of others before myself. Today, I fight for equality and justice for everyone because I believe in what is right, not what is easy.

And I can do that because of you. You showed me what it meant to be a strong woman. You always stand up for yourself and others. You gave me self-esteem and confidence by telling me I was beautiful and smart and could and would do anything I wanted. You made a big deal about how proud of me you were. I realize now that not every kid gets that at home.


I’m even grateful for the ridiculous outfits you dressed me in as a child (the 90s were a weird time.) because I have awesomely embarrassing pictures to look at and laugh at now.

So even though I may not always show it when I am sighing loudly as we talk over the phone or when you send be 10 texts in a row and I don’t immediately respond, I am thankful to call you my mom.

Accurate representation of our relationship

My mom and I. Accurate representation of our relationship

Thanks for putting up with my nonsense while somehow not letting me get away with anything.

Thanks for loving me. I love you. Happy Mother’s Day.


e.e. cummings Appreciation Post

April is upon us! That means it’s National Poetry Month!

To honor the occasion, I would like to write about one of my favorite poets: e.e. cummings.


As part of the modernist movement in the 1920s, cummings followed his contemporary, Ezra Pound‘s, advice and made it new!

No more of that basic stuff, guyz.

No more of that basic stuff, guyz.

He experimented with form in a way that few had ever seen before. I am always so fascinated by how he translates his thoughts into visual and meaningful poetry that, in my opinion, really captures the modernist movement.

So here it is: a tribute to e.e. cummings. If you don’t like poetry, life-affirming quotes, or beautiful internet typography, this post is not for you, pal.

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tumblr_lo981zsoVe1qec36po1_500[1]  tumblr_miz20nsVhG1qaruxco1_1280[1] c728b3d21869e3060d176b8742ea01a0[1] a3f31dda72907db71f62115f4d25fa81[1] injust[1] 7e012c1a2309717bc7d3c94f10366975[1] EECummings-Chalkboard[1] tumblr_m8ppuuLeEQ1rpzo74o1_1280[1]

I mean, come on.


LIVE from New York… It’s Rape Culture!

Last night, I had the pleasure of seeing YouTube star Laci Green talk about taking down rape culture. She was educational and eloquent and all around excellent. Visit her YouTube channel here.

She is adorable and smart.

She is adorable and smart.

She got me thinking about a recent episode of one of my favorite shows.

I grew up watching Saturday night live (really before I was the appropriate age). I have been a loyal fan for years. The writers and actors under patriarch Lorne Michaels have become a bright spot in my life. When life is hard, we need humor. After September 11, 2001 occurred blocks from where the show was produced, the cast and crew handled it all with finesse and humility. Laughter is the best medicine! And it has always made for great television. And the SNL group has always done such a great job of making the world a little better or at least more bearable.

So this past Saturday, I was excited to see the new episode. Taraji P. Henson was hosting! I adore her on Empire as Cookie Lyon AKA one of the greatest female characters on TV.

giphy 200-3

I knew this episode would be good. And it mostly was. There was just this one skit…

After the sketch was done airing, my boyfriend turned to me and said, “You hated that, didn’t you?” I did. I did hate that. I mean, are you serious? For a show that is accused of being left-leaning and liberal, this is an EXTREMELY concerning sketch. I love the actors in the sketch as well so it was doubly horrifying to watch.

Allow me to explain statutory rape through this definition from a legal dictionary.

Sexual intercourse by an adult with a person below a statutorily designated age.

The criminal offense of statutory rape is committed when an adult sexually penetrates a person who, under the law, is incapable of consenting to sex. Minors and physically and mentally incapacitated persons are deemed incapable of consenting to sex under rape statutes in all states. These persons are considered deserving of special protection because they are especially vulnerable due to their youth or condition

TL;DR version: raping something who is underage and therefore unable to legally provide consent. (EVEN if you’re a hot teacher.) WE ALL THINK RAPE IS BAD, RIGHT?!?!


You’d think/hope so. However, in many cases within our rape culture, rape has been fair game for comedy, especially when it’s young men being raped by older women. Or even men being raped in general. Our society laughs about it!


I remember taking this joke of a health/ sex-ed class in high school, and a woman came to talk to us about sexual assault. She mentioned that men can also be sexually assaulted. One particularly loud and ignorant guy in my class yelled out, “Guys can only be raped the chick is ugly!”


This is the type of garbage we’re dealing with. Ignorance and gender expectations: guys LOOOVEE sex so much that it’s impossible that they don’t want it. If a kid gets to have sex with his female teacher, that is AWESOME!!! Because men MUST HAVE SEX TO BE PROVEN MEN! THE YOUNGER, the MANLIER!

Hence the sketch’s high-fives and giggling between the male characters. Then, of course, there is the sexy seductress teacher AKA the boy’s RAPIST sitting and laughing with him a la Mary Kay Letournau . In this scene he apparently tried to seduce HER and succeeded. So where is the crime? The teacher, in a position of power over the student as well as an adult over the age of consent, committed statutory rape!!! And in this sketch, that is just oh so funny. lololololol Statutory rape gets me every single time!


Sure, this was just a single, not really that funny sketch, but it is a symptom of a much more malignant disease in our rape culture. HOW are we going to help victims of sexual assault when they’re the punch line of a comedy sketch? HOW do we teach our children not to rape when they see that it’s no big deal in the media? HOW is making a sketch about “willing” rape victims help those who have been raped find the courage to come forward? HOW are we supposed to reach out to men who have been sexually assaulted if they think they will be ridiculed even more for being a victim of sexual assault because they’re a man, and men are supposed to be able to fight off their rapist or just constantly enjoy sex?

Yes, it was only one comedy sketch. But the sketch’s subject matter affects millions of people. You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t think it’s funny, and I don’t think it’s HILARIOUS to broadcast on live TV or even joke about in your living room.

Game of Oval Offices


This past Sunday was a big day for me. Everything was finally right with the world.

There were so many exciting things going on in TV and politics. Allow me to recap what happened with a  (slightly edited) scene from this Sunday’s premiere of Game of Thrones. *** SLIGHT SPOILER ALERT****

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hillary_clinton_2016_president_bid_confirmed#YASSSSQUEENYASSSS #Khaleesi2016

Phenomenal Women- Help Me Get it Started!

April 1st just might be my LEAST favorite day of the year. I have not been amused by April Fool’s Day pranks since elementary school. I do not react with laughter, only suspicion, anxiety, paranoia, and irritation.

I mean, this happened to me today!


Don’t even get me started. This is enough for another blog itself.



My bills are always due on the 1st of the month so I feel the acute loss of dollah bills vacating my bank account.


And for another thing, it marks the end of Women’s History Month, always a sad sight to see in the rear-view mirror.


But this year, I shall not succumb to April 1st misery!

To extend women’s appreciation, I would like to start a type of recurring blog post:

Local Phenomenal Women

Many times, when women are recognized, it is because they fit the traditional definition of “successful.” They are well-known/famous, maybe well-off, have achieved a certain level of education, etc.

I appreciate these women! However, I would like to dedicate this series to women in my tri-state area or your local area- women who we see every day and deserve recognition. It can be someone you know, someone you admire, or someone who you think is interesting or deserves recognition. She can be a business owner, a friend, a family member, a co-worker…the list is endless!

I want to send them a survey, the same questions each time, rather than interview them specifically because I want to show how much women have in common and how much they do not.

This is where I need your help:

  1. Send me nominations and (if you can) contact info for a woman/women you would like to nominate!
  2. Send me questions you think should be featured on this survey!

Contact me with your ideas or nominations here.

I look forward to reading your input/ not getting any emails and doing it anyway. And if you’re feeling generous, please share this post to spread the word/love!

I am doing in this in the spirit of

  • *promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate.*
  • The Humans of New York idea of showing how awesome every person is.
  • Because this:
  •  And, of course, in honor of the goddess/ writer, Maya Angelou’s poem, “Phenomenal Woman”:

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I’m a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,
And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.
Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.
I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,
And the flash of my teeth,
The swing in my waist,
And the joy in my feet.
I’m a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can’t see.
I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,
The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman

Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
‘Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.                   



Yaaassss, queen.

Why I’m Excited About Indiana’s RFRA

CONTROVERSY! Across the Hoosier state, there has been a ton of unrest about the law that Governor Mike Pence recently signed.

Bill signing or casting call for The Sound of Music 2?

Bill signing or casting call for The Sound of Music 2?

If you are like most non-law studying citizens and are less-familiar with the law, this is a great write up about what the law does and does not say.  And the Indy Star posted its actual text in full that goes into effect July 1st. (If you still don’t understand, you’re not alone. The governor himself seems a bit fuzzy on the details. Just YES or NO, Mike!)

As a straight ally, I was disappointed when I heard about the law.

But now I’m excited.

Before you rush to post an angry/ supportive comment, please allow me to explain.

I have recently re-discovered religion. I used to be extremely religious before I kind of started to distance myself and change beliefs when I went to college (because I cannot resist being a stereotype). Yes, I have returned to the world of religion, but I am part of a new religion.

I converted to Selfindulgentism, a new religion. With only a few formal followers, my belief system has been on the down low for a while. But finally, FINALLY, thanks to Indiana’s new law, I will be able to freely practice my faith without persecution. People across the country need to realize what a brilliant leader Mike Pence is. He has granted freedom for Hoosiers to do whatever their religion tells them to, and this is awesome.

You see, the foundation of Selfindulgentism is the idea of doing whatever you want. No longer are my people restricted by the guilt of doing things because they are “moral” or “helping other people.” We are free from those nasty thoughts in my faith, and now we can practice openly.


We don’t have a sacred text because, as other religions have shown, everyone will just interpret words however they want so we just cut out the middleman and let everyone practice the true meaning of Selfindulgentism– doing whatever you want. Since Selfindulgentism is a newer religion in terms of those other ancient, still-observed religions, let me give you a few things our religion believes in general:

  • You do not have to pay for anything that you want. Our faith does not recognize currency. If everyone takes whatever he or she wants, everyone will have enough.
  • You do not have to obey any law you do not feel like obeying. This includes all local, state, national, universal, and unspoken laws.
  • You do not have to respect other people, only yourself, only if you want.
  • You literally do not have to do anything that you do not want to do. So it is said. So it shall be.

So yeah, close-minded people who are upset about this new law, think about Selfindulgentism and its followers who, for years, have been subject to the laws of the land and laws of behavior as determined by “The Government” and “Other Religions” and “Morals.” For so long, I thought: maybe I should just move to a more accepting place where Selfindulgentists are openly loved and accepted, like wherever the Kardashians live.

But I stayed strong. I knew that ONE DAY the boot-shaped state would wise up from its lameness.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmid

For too long, as Mike Pence said in this interview, people on the left have preached tolerance without tolerance of the intolerant. The right is just intolerant. But Selfindulgentists are centered. Self-centered. So we don’t really care what anyone believes or thinks, as long as we get to do as we please.

Our time is NOW, Selfindulgentists!

My religion says that I do not have to, and the Hoosier state has set itself up as a pioneer for respecting those beliefs. So long, taxes! Adios, mandatory college classes! Hello, going whatever speed I want on any road, taking whatever I want from stores and restaurants without having to pay, and in general rejecting all laws of human decency!


At last, I am free to be who I am, thanks to the lawmakers in Indiana! (Who claim to be Christian, though we all know they are CLEARLY Selfindulgentists at heart).

Be free, Selfindulgentists! BE FREEEEEEEEEEEEE! And join me for a verse of our version of a classic American song: